


I'm put to mind of all that I wanna be

by blueberrywizard



Series: Heaven and Hell mean nothing to me [1]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: (I know that God is a woman but what if They're not? just being careful here), (kind of), But you can also read it with your shipping glasses on, Character Study, Crowley isn't as bad as they would like him to, Emotional Hurt, Gender-Neutral Pronouns for God, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm just soft (like Az) for this bastard and, M/M, You can read it as a friendship, it's Crowley we're talking about, only a little, things (this fic) happened, you know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-13
Updated: 2019-06-13
Packaged: 2020-05-02 14:03:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19200361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blueberrywizard/pseuds/blueberrywizard
Summary: Crowley had never doubted, had never questioned things, had never sinned, not really. He once said to Aziraphale that he hadn’t meant to Fall, he'd just hung around with the wrong people.The truth is, Crowley only wanted to do things his way.





	I'm put to mind of all that I wanna be

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there! 
> 
> I wrote this tiny fic because I have Feelings and I need to do something with them. So I thought about small series with Aziraphale and Crowley. I hope you'll like it!
> 
> (English is not my first language so if you'll find any errors let me know)
> 
> [title borrowed from "Movement" by Hozier]

 

 

They never Talk about these things. Yes, capital “t”. Crowley knew that if they would have this conversation, he probably wouldn’t be able to look Aziraphale in the eyes for the next century or two (and that was out of question, they started to spend a lot of time together since the 70s and Crowley was  _ really _ fond of it) and he had enough issues without it, thank you very much. 

 

But he knew, he  _ knew _ that Aziraphale (slowly but steady) was becoming more and more curious. It’s not like he would start shooting questions out of nowhere, no, it wasn’t something he would do. After all, he had all of  _ heavenly _ patience at his side. But Crowley was aware of Aziraphale constant gaze. It was only the matter of time when he’ll start to notice some things. 

 

Sometimes Crowley was more tired than he would admit. He loved being around Aziraphale, he loved his gentleness, soft smiles and quiet evenings they spent together. He just couldn’t shake the feeling of uneasiness, the one when you think you forgot doing something, but you can’t remember what could it be. 

 

Except he knew. 

 

He might be a demon now, but he was an angel once. And there still was a part in him, a part of heaven, a part of Them which even hellfire couldn’t burn out. 

 

It hurt him, sometimes. He always made sure to bury this feeling deep inside. 

 

* * *

 

Crowley liked Earth. Obviously, he wouldn’t spend six thousand years in place he didn’t like (that’s why he lived on Earth, not in Hell). He liked Earth because of humans, he liked watching them making their choices. He might not like how some of it used to end (why the fuck they’re fighting so much?), but it didn’t matter. They could make what they wanted without heavy breathing of powerful being on their necks (he was aware that most of them believed they do things under watchful eyes of beings they would never understand but capable of punishing or rewarding them, but there’s a huge difference between  _ faith _ and  _ knowledge _ ) and it was something Crowley desired most. 

 

You know, Crowley didn’t really  _ like _ being a demon. If he were making list of ‘things I liked in being a demon’ it probably would go like this:

 

  1. Teasing. Tempting. Being generally playful.
  2. Irritating people (mostly Aziraphale because he was - he would never _ever_ admit saying that - so cute while flustered)
  3. Alcohol? (does it count?)
  4. …
  5. Sleeping???



 

So yeah, that’s how this awfully long and dreadfully violent list presented. 

 

Crowley wasn’t really good at being a demon. But he was  _ amazing _ at pretending and bending things to his will, mostly words (but he never lied, at least not to certain  _ someone _ ). That’s why Hell didn’t mind him staying on Earth for so long. But he mostly did harmless things to humans. Remember taking down phone cells in London? He said it would make hundreds of people turn (evil? bad? bad.) to their side quicker than it took for one demon to devour one soul, but the cherry on the top was… they may as well not. They could turn evil, but they could also decide it was only a bad day and apologise to the poor barista by leaving them a nice tip. 

 

He would drink a whole glass of holy water if necessary, because Hell could never know he liked giving people  _ a chance.  _

 

* * *

 

It was the whole point of Things. 

 

Crowley wasn’t a bad angel. Crowley had never doubted, had never questioned things, had never sinned, not really. He once said to Aziraphale that he hadn’t meant to Fall, he'd just hung around with the wrong people. 

 

The truth is, Crowley only wanted to do things his way.

 

* * *

 

“Crowley?”

 

“Yes, angel?”

 

“Have you ever thought about how our lives would turn if They wouldn’t create Earth?”

 

He thought, of course he did. He was sure his life would be full of despair and pain. Endless circle of being denied of all he had ever desired. Gentleness and softness. Comfort and walking his own path, making his own decisions.

 

“More boring, for sure.”

 

“Oh. Perhaps you’re right.”

 

“Of course I’m right. Who would make you crêpes in Heaven?” 

 

“Oh, dear.” 

 

Crowley hide his smirk from Aziraphale. He wouldn’t change anything.    
  


It (he) was simply worth it.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I know I am a very cliché person, but let's face this. Crowley isn't as bad as he would like to be. He just want to be left in peace (and probably cuddle with Aziraphale but that's story for another time).
> 
> Thank you for reading!


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